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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.