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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!