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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.