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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!