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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.