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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.