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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.