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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.