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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch