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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing