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The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole