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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...