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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.