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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.