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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.