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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.