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There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in