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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....