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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]