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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.