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My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like Iād be pretty good at that.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.