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On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.