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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.