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The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.