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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, Iām going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.