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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.