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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me Iām pretty.