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I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.