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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops