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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.