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This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.