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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
So long pants! See you Monday!
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."