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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.