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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to