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Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?