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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.