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I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)