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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.