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You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion