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I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.