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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...