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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.