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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.