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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.