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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.