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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.