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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.