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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.