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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.