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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?