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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…