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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.