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I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
You say Iām not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If Iām not cold, Iām hot. I know Iām hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.