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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".