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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook