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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?