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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?