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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.