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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.