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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.