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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I dream about naps.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”