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So many rules; so little time to break them.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.