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I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!