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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
u cant spell awesome without me
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.