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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.