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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!