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Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.