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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!