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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.