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Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?