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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.